still getting back into a habit — or trying, at least.

one of the nice things about being off instagram has been the quiet. it’s not that i’ve been off all social media — i’ve been scrolling reddit, twitter, and threads, and i’ve even started tweeting again, though with my account in private, so it’s not like i haven’t been on the internet at all. instagram, though, has been my main platform for over ten years now, the place i have been most active, so my brain has felt less chatty without it.

i abruptly deactivated my two accounts last wednesday without warning, and i find myself dragging my feet thinking about having to reactivate them on saturday morning. like it or not, i do have a tiny, tiny platform on instagram, and i have a book i need to promote. i do also miss sharing the books i’ve been reading and scrolling through my explore page for yoongi, and i miss sharing photos of my day-to-day.

part of it is that, yes, there is that aspect of using instagram as a crutch because i don’t have someone to talk to in-person, but there is also this — i like the way i see the world. i didn’t always see the world like this; for many long periods of my life, i was locked in darkness and the world seemed so closed off to me, so distant and hazy and cold.

and maybe the point of any of this, whether it’s posting on instagram or writing these blogs, isn’t to build a following or to have a platform but simply to remind myself to keep my eyes and my heart open. beauty is abundant in the world, even when i feel small and ugly and inconsequential. there are ways of connecting with people even if it doesn’t mean sitting across a table from each other and physically communicating words. it is possible to be alive even when i honestly don’t really feel alive, more like i’ve simply gotten into the habit of being here and going through the rote motions of living.

it is okay to be sad and anxious and broken. just keep your eyes and heart open.

anyway, once i get back into the hang of this blogging thing again, i’ll tell you about the books i’ve been reading and why korean (and japanese) literature-in-translation has been a particular solace to me this summer.

i'm like a magpie; i like shiny.

went to the natural history museum yesterday with my brother’s family, and, if you’ve been with me long enough, you know i love color and texture. a few photos.

i'm always a few years late to things.

including sourdough.

a few months ago, a friend brought me some sourdough discard to make jeon, and i used most of it for said jeon then used the rest to begin a starter. i know — i’m years late on the sourdough trend, but i (1) was intimidated by the steps to create my own starter and (2) thought starters required too much feeding (and thus generated too much waste), and it didn’t seem worth the effort or flour required to maintain a starter given that i (3) don’t eat that much bread by myself at home.

i was gifted a very robust starter because, as it turns out, she is incredibly low maintenance. i fed her regularly for the first two-ish weeks to revive her and get her going, but i was generating so much discard i didn’t know what to do with. sure, i made english muffins and waffles and lots of sourdough cheese crackers, but, again, i don’t eat muffins or waffles fast enough to justify making so many. i am also not the type of person who is able to freeze food because food goes into my freezer to be thrown away months down the road.

eventually, i figured out the best ratio that made her happy, and she has been super chill since, living in the fridge most of the time and turning out lovely crusty loaves with a good crumb and air pockets. she’s a good starter. i’m very glad to have her.

okay, maybe the truth is that i left social media because i am depressed and lonely, and i feel stranded. part of it is summer (this season always brings back my depression), and, with the addition of the side effects of this medication, i’m struggling with fatigue and increased brain fog and generally just feel stupid and slow. i also feel like a loser, the one who’s always making herself available and being flexible — sure, we can get dinner whenever you suddenly have time for me in your busy calendar, we can chat after you’ve put your kids to bed, we can be flexible and i can set aside my whole day for you to decide when you’re feeling up to making plans. i am happy to be able to accommodate friends because this is one of the benefits to being single and childfree, but it doesn’t mean i don’t feel pathetic sometimes and like a doormat and that that, in turn, makes me feel even more like i am sinking. all of these things can be true at the same time.

the thing i like the most about making sourdough is how forgiving it is. there are many variables to working with dough in general, from the type of flour you use to how much moisture is in the air, and you have to learn to adapt and trust your instincts. it maybe best embodies my style of cooking — to develop your taste and touch instead of relying on recipes with exact measurements — because, sure, i start my sourdough with three exact measurements — 500 grams of king arthur bread flour, 100 grams of starter, 10 grams of salt — but water is variable — i could use anywhere from 300 to 330 grams.

making bread is trusting the process, of knowing you could add more water if the dough is too dry but being able to feel with your hands whether or not the dough might actually hydrate if you work it a little longer. it’s accidentally adding too much water and draining excess out if you can and not giving up on the dough because you know that it’ll absorb (and, if not, you can add a dusting of flour) — the dough will be okay, you’ve done this before, you can feel it as you work it with your hands.

my stupid broken brain feels similar in some ways. i have been here before, so many times. i know this pain of depression and loneliness. i know i only have myself to hold me here in this life. i have weirdly somehow not failed myself yet and, instead, figured out ways to keep going. last summer, i was so depressed, i took the LSAT and applied to law school. i guess, this summer, i am so depressed, i am quitting my great full-time job with excellent benefits to take on debt to go to law school. at the end of the year, i hope to move my dog to brooklyn. next march, i have a book about k-pop coming out. i am hoping to finish and sell a second book by the end of the year. work is a crutch, sure, but, at least, it is a useful one.

i have been here, just like i have made this sourdough loaf before, and i know i will somehow be okay, me and my broken brain, because we’ve miraculously made it this far.