a whirlwind twenty-four hours and a series of firsts.

i went down to DC for a twenty-four-hour trip, six of which were spent in transit, for my first book event! i was part of a panel of debut authors and got to speak to a hotel ballroom full of booksellers (for the first time) and saw my book in bound form (for the first time) and signed a bunch of books (for the first time) — and, also, honestly, got my first little taste of the challenges that will be getting the general public to read a book about k-pop.

overall, the event was very well-organized, and my fellow debuts, all fiction writers, were spectacular and funny and so well-spoken. i felt very awkward and boring next to them, but i at least don’t think i spoke super fast, which i tend to do when i’m anxious — and public-speaking makes me super anxious.

this whole getting a book out into the world is strange and weird and uncomfortable in so many ways, and i was immensely touched by the booksellers today who were enthusiastic for my little book that i know is still very niche, despite k-pop having gone super global in the last seven, eight years. the point was never to write a bestseller but to put something out into the world that expresses my love for k-pop and the joy it gives me, while also capturing the cultural, historical, and sociopolitical nuances of a rich, complex industry, and it means a lot to me that there might be readers out there who give my book a chance, even if k-pop is something that is foreign to them.

still getting back into a habit — or trying, at least.

one of the nice things about being off instagram has been the quiet. it’s not that i’ve been off all social media — i’ve been scrolling reddit, twitter, and threads, and i’ve even started tweeting again, though with my account in private, so it’s not like i haven’t been on the internet at all. instagram, though, has been my main platform for over ten years now, the place i have been most active, so my brain has felt less chatty without it.

i abruptly deactivated my two accounts last wednesday without warning, and i find myself dragging my feet thinking about having to reactivate them on saturday morning. like it or not, i do have a tiny, tiny platform on instagram, and i have a book i need to promote. i do also miss sharing the books i’ve been reading and scrolling through my explore page for yoongi, and i miss sharing photos of my day-to-day.

part of it is that, yes, there is that aspect of using instagram as a crutch because i don’t have someone to talk to in-person, but there is also this — i like the way i see the world. i didn’t always see the world like this; for many long periods of my life, i was locked in darkness and the world seemed so closed off to me, so distant and hazy and cold.

and maybe the point of any of this, whether it’s posting on instagram or writing these blogs, isn’t to build a following or to have a platform but simply to remind myself to keep my eyes and my heart open. beauty is abundant in the world, even when i feel small and ugly and inconsequential. there are ways of connecting with people even if it doesn’t mean sitting across a table from each other and physically communicating words. it is possible to be alive even when i honestly don’t really feel alive, more like i’ve simply gotten into the habit of being here and going through the rote motions of living.

it is okay to be sad and anxious and broken. just keep your eyes and heart open.

anyway, once i get back into the hang of this blogging thing again, i’ll tell you about the books i’ve been reading and why korean (and japanese) literature-in-translation has been a particular solace to me this summer.