hello monday! (150316)

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alex ross’ listen to this (FSG, 2010) is giving me pure joy.  pure joy and pure pleasure.  i think i’m almost done (again, not reading it in order but hopping around and reading what catches my fancy), which makes me sad, and i really do mean sad because i’m enjoying it so much — but, then again, i can simply go to the new yorker and browse the archives, so there’s that.

in his preface he writes,

“So why has the idea taken hold that there is something peculiarly inexpressible about music? The explanation may lie not in music but in ourselves. Since the mid-nineteenth century, audiences have routinely adopted music as a sort of secular religion or spiritual politics, investing it with messages as urgent as they are vague. Beethoven’s symphonies promise political and personal freedom; Wagner’s operas inflame the imaginations of poets and demagogues; Stravinsky’s ballets release primal energies; the Beatles incite an uprising against ancient social mores. At any time in history there are a few composers and creative musicians who seem to hold the secrets of the age. Music cannot easily bear such burdens, and when we speak of its ineffability we are perhaps protecting it from our own inordinate demands. For even as we worship our musical idols we also force them to produce particular emotions on cue: a teenager blasts hip-hop to psych himself up; a middle-aged executive puts on a Bach CD to calm her nerves. Musicians find themselves, in a strange way, both enshrined and enslaved. In my writing on music, I try to demystify the art to some extent, dispel the hocus-pocus, while respecting the boundless human complexity that gives it life."  (xi-xii)

(i copy-pasted this from my ibook, hence the capitalization.)

i dare say ross succeeds in his intentions, and i appreciate the lack of condescension or pretension that sometimes creeps into discussion about classical music — or about music in general.  ross doesn’t seek to elevate one form of music over another, which i find to be incredibly refreshing, especially as it allows music, in whatever form or whatever discipline, to shine and be seen in all its richness and complexity and adaptability.  the last sentence of the essay, “the music mountain,” says, “the remarkable thing is the power of music to put down roots wherever it goes” (264), and one of the things that makes this collection so fun to read is that it demonstrates just that, how music travels and takes root and shifts and grows, rubbing against different cultures and new technologies and changing and taking new forms.

music is such a visceral thing, and i call it a “thing” because it is so many things.  it’s an experience, an emotion, a discipline, a practice, a thought, an art, a way of life, and it’s a living, breathing thing that’s made new with every performance.  musicians bring different experiences and interpretations to music, just as listeners bring different predispositions and energies to music, and, when all these things come together, it’s like magic, the way the head and the heart collide.  in many ways, i suppose, to me, music will always be the highest form of art, but, then again, music is the thing that’s been with me longest and my memories are created and stored largely in sounds and songs.

in his art of fiction interview in the paris review, jonathan franzen said, “i’m more envious of music than of any other art form — the way a song can take your head over and make you feel so intensely and so immediately.  it’s like snorting the powder, it goes straight to your brain.”  i agree, but i’m more inclined to take it a step further — music goes straight to the heart, and therein does its incredible power lie.


(speaking of franzen, september is — april/may/june/july/august — five-and-a-half months away?  feels like for-e-ver.)  (i finished reading the kraus project over the weekend, so now im fully out of franzen.)  (this is weird.  i think the only other author whose entire backlist ive read is nicole krauss.  and jeffrey eugenides?  but they each only have three books out  right?)


on saturday night, i was going through my shelves, looking for something read when my eyes landed on rebecca mead’s my life in middlemarch (crown, 2014).  i picked this up when it was released last summer because (one) it has a beautiful cover and (two) i’m intrigued by the role of books in our lives and (three) i love mead’s journalistic pieces (her profile of lena dunham is the only thing, whether interview or otherwise, that has made me somewhat like dunham) (at least while i was reading it) (then it reset me to having no regard or interest for her again).

i never got much into it last summer, which shouldn’t be taken as a reflection of the book as i’m in the habit of starting books and pausing them and picking them up again later (books, like many other things, speak to us when we’re ready) (or we need to be ready to receive certain books) (sometimes, we pass those moments, like with me and salinger’s the catcher in the rye and, to a lesser degree, plath’s the bell jar).  i picked it up again on saturday night, though, and loved this passage from the introduction:

“reading is sometimes thought of as a form of escapism, and it’s a common turn of phrase to speak of getting lost in a book.  but a book can also be where one finds oneself; and when a reader is grasped and held by a book, reading does not feel like an escape from life so much as it feels like an urgent, crucial dimension of life itself.  there are books that seem to comprehend us just as much as we understand them, or even more.  there are books that grow with the reader as the reader grows, like a graft to a tree.

this kind of book becomes part of our own experience, and part of our own endurance.  it might lead us back to the library in midlife, looking for something that eluded us before.”  (16)

and, so, my week’s challenge, i suppose:  to read george eliot’s middlemarch with mead’s my life in middlemarch as a “supplement” of sorts.  

not that mead’s book is meant to be a supplement.  i know myself, though, and my tendency to fizzle out, especially when books are long, and i also know my reading memory, so i’m going to try out my little reading experiment and see how it fares.  i would try to come up with some kind of blogging accountability, like i’ll give myself three days per section and write a post, but this week is ishiguro week (HELL YES), and i have other things like work and writing to do, so, uh, i suppose y’all will have to check back next monday to see how it’s gone.


things i miss about california:  driving.  family, friends, and long conversations in cool los angeles evenings about art and craft and publishing dreams.  korean food and tacos, tacos and korean food.  philz and its mint mojito iced coffee.  long drives at night when there’s no traffic and the music’s turned up and i'm alone with my thoughts (long drives are good for detangling story problems).  the pacific ocean.  the easy-going nature that comes hand-in-hand with all the goddamn sunshine.  the way california, to me, is locked in time, a place i can slip into with ease temporarily, like an old skin i've shed but return to for comfort every now and then.

things i love about new york city:  walking.  friends and catching up in coffee shops, small loud restaurants, four and twenty.  four and twenty.  easy access to great coffee.  redeemer.  easy access to great independent bookstores and all the amazing book events held year-round.  the brooklyn book festival.  the new yorker festival.  long rides on subways with earphones or not, a book or not, losing myself to the rhythm of the moving car and watching the people around me (long subways rides, also, are good for detangling story problems).  brooklyn.  the city and all its constant motion, the way it fits my heart and treats me with kindness and reminds me time and time again, hey, you’re home.

hello monday! (150309)

this post comes from california -- hello from california!  i'm here for the week on holiday, spending time with family and friends and eating way too much good food and filling the in-between spaces with reading -- and i suppose i'd like to say something about these books here, at least the ones i'm currently reading because i'm savoring them both, taking them slowly, piece by piece, which works because one's a collection of essays and the other's a collection of columns:  alex ross' listen to this (FSG, 2010) and cheryl strayed's tiny beautiful things:  advice on love and life from dear sugar (vintage, 2012).

i'm loving listen to this, which is a collection of pieces ross has written for the new yorker.  i'm not reading the essays in order but skipping around and reading the ones that catch my fancy (usually the ones about composers and musicians i know and like), and there's nothing fancy or particular about alex ross' writing -- he simply writes well, and he writes about music without getting lost in terminology or being overly technical or, even, too sentimental -- and i thoroughly enjoy reading him because he genuinely loves and appreciates music, and that comes off the page.

(you know, i have to say that i love the new yorker's non-fiction.  this isn't to say that i dislike its fiction but that i have a particular soft spot for its non-fiction because fiction allows for more leeway in style and voice [as it should], but its non-fiction takes different writers and their voices and brings them under the overall tone and voice of the new yorker.  which, yes, all magazines [should] do, but i really enjoy the new yorker's voice because it's smart without being too intellectual, intelligent without being academic or dull, proud of its identity without being full of itself.  i can't confess to reading every single piece in every single issue [or even to reading every issue every week because i tend to amass issues then sit down with a pile of them for a lovely evening of marathon reading], but i love having the new yorker and think its worth every penny of my subscription.)

and cheryl strayed -- oh, strayed as dear sugar is abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.  she's blunt and honest but generous and kind and sympathetic, and she makes me laugh and cry and nod my head in vehement agreement.  i was introduced to her from a link to her column on envy, which is wonderfully paired with her column on writing like a motherfucker, and i'm happy that they made this into a book to have and to hold.  i only wish there were a hardcover of this (i believe it was only published in paperback?  please correct me if i'm wrong).

there's more i actually want to say in regards to those two columns linked above, though, and specifically about craft and querying and writing, but i shall save that for another week.  i've been having these wonderful meandering conversations with my illustrator buddy about all those things, so there are lots of thoughts bubbling around in my head, which i shall endeavor to get down into articulate words, but i suppose i shall leave y'all with this:  write because you love it.  create because you can't help it.  pursue the art because not to pursue the art is simply not an option.  and, if you decide to make something of it, to pursue publication or production or whatever it is your art deems "professional" and "a career," then go into it knowing that it's going to hurt like hell and your heart is going to be broken over and over and over again and that you're going to have to pick up the pieces over and over and over again.  do it because it's worth the pain (and it will be pain), because you want it so bad it fucking hurts, and it's the trying that makes it worthwhile, the attempts that make you a better writer, a better artist, a better creator that truly count.  do it because the work itself brings you joy, not the desire for recognition or fame or a huge advance.  do it because you must.

hello monday! (150302)

when i first heard of selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed, a collection of essays by 16 authors about their decision not to have children, i was stoked.  super, super stoked.  especially after i read this interview with the editor of the anthology, meghan daum, where she said:

I’m editing an anthology of essays about making the choice not to have children. It’s called Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed and it includes sixteen amazingly thoughtful and honest pieces by sixteen writers. I’d always wanted to do a project like this because I’ve long been convinced that voluntary childless people have some of the worst PR in the world. The stereotype is that we don’t want kids because we’re fundamentally selfish. But I’d like to see society get to a place where parents and non-parents are no longer pitted as adversaries and those who choose not to have kids aren’t just “accepted” but seen as vital to a well-rounded community. I can’t wait to get the book out into the world next spring.

i've never wanted children.  not once.  i've never warmed to babies or wanted one of my own, and, to be honest, the terror of getting pregnant adds a terrifying element to sex (ha, no need for religious admonishments here).

the inevitable side effect of being a woman who doesn't want children, though, is that everyone around you scoffs at that, writes it off as a "phase," never mind that you're on the cusp of turning thirty, which would make this a lifelong "phase."  another side effect is that you have to deal with everyone's assumptions that, because you're a woman (and it is gendered), you must want children and that, once you have children, you will want to be home with your children.  it's rather inconceivable that a woman might opt out of having children, might not want that life, might not aspire to it either and rather find it undesirable for herself -- instead, for a woman to "have it all," she must have a husband and children and a career, and, if she doesn't, then, well, she's missing something.

to the latter, i say, well, congratulations for your small-mindedness (and heteronormativity).  to the first, okay, i do concede that, yes, sometimes, we do change our minds -- as humans, we change; it's part of this thing called life -- and, maybe, i will meet a man whom i will love to such degrees that i will want so badly to spawn with him.  i'm open to that, and i'm aware that it could happen, but that isn't the point.  the point isn't that we could change our minds, and the point isn't that there are plenty of people who thought for a long time that they didn't want children only to discover that they'd like to be parents later on.  the point is that that isn't anyone's judgment to make.  

and this is oftentimes also the problem with how people talk to teenagers and to the depressed/suicidal.  there's a very condescending dismissal in the ways people approach them, like the problems or struggles they're facing in the moment aren't important enough to take seriously, to sit down with them and look them in the eye and acknowledge that, in this moment at least, their pain is real -- it's a living, breathing monster that needs to be and should be reckoned with.  instead, people write them off, tell them, this is just a phase; this is temporary, when that's not the goddamn point.  the point is that people shouldn't trivialize, shouldn't cast judgment, shouldn't simply dismiss something people can't even begin to understand.  (though the irony is that we were all once teenagers, and yet ...)

instead, people stand on the pedestals of their own self-aggrandized wisdom and look down their nose and render them small and inconsequential, like they're foolish and immature and not worth engaging with on a human level.  people scoff and tell them, tell us, that we'll "grow out of it," "everyone's like this when they're young," "it's just a phase, you'll see."  

but here's this:  sometimes, i think the difference between the suicidal mind and the non-suicidal one is that, to the suicidal mind, suicide is always an option.  the suicidal mind isn't one that's always depressed, always down, always spiraling; it's one that considers suicide as a probable outcome, that comes up with a plan in every new situation, that accepts dying as something that can be done at any point; and, every time it hears this is just a phase, it shrinks back further and further, making open conversation about suicide more and more impossible because those five simple words are harsh enforcers of shame and taboo and fear.

and here's this:  suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 in the united states.  it's the second leading cause of death for young people aged 25-34.  this isn't counting the hundreds of thousands of suicide attempts made per year.*

so why aren't we talking about this?  what kind of arrogance is it that perpetuates shame and guilt and brokenness?  or is it also a kind of fear in and of itself that to look the problem in the eye and acknowledge that it exists is also acknowledging our own helplessness in its face, our own inability to "fix" it, to "cure" the suicidal people in our lives?  but, then, what kind of arrogance is that, too, to assume the "savior" role when that isn't what is asked of us?

why can't we just stop and listen and engage genuinely with the people around us, no judgments, no preconceptions, no condescension?  when something as small as that could start to make a world of difference, why can't we start with that?

* stats from the CDC; see the factsheet here.

hello monday! (150223)

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(before we begin, here are a few books i've been reading lately.)

i think i've said the phrase, "it's cold," so many times now it's lost all meaning.  i feel like we got more snow last winter, but it's been much, much colder this winter, and i admit i don't mind it.  i might even love it.  i wouldn't mind if we had more snow, either, but, see, i'm a december baby, and i love cold weather.  which means that, sometimes, i check the weather in california and shudder when it gives me 80-degree temperatures in february because, gross, that sounds like hell, i'll take my 20 degrees, feels like 3 degrees with wind chill, thank you very much.

idk what those silly kids were doing in narnia, trying to do away with eternal winter.


i read this article published in vanity fair last july talking about donna tartt's the goldfinch and how the new yorker, the new york review of books, and the paris review poo-pooed it.  i have not read the goldfinch.  i have no intention of reading the goldfinch.  for one, it's absurdly long, and, before you sniff at me for that, for another, the most common criticism i've heard about it is that it could have used a heavier editing hand and lost at least 100-200 pages, and, if there's one thing i cannot forgive in a book, it is exactly that.

going back to the article, though, and the question of "but is it art?":  my question comes back as, "and does it matter?"  beyond that, though, everything gets muddled up because i do think there's an argument to be made for "serious literature" and the need to uphold it, because i do think there's a standard that makes "good" writing or "bad" writing (in the loosest sense), because i do think we need to have these standards and lines in place.  and i think we do need tastemakers and gatekeepers who are essentially curators who help find the good from among the ocean of "created things" and bring attention to them because we don't all have the time to do that ourselves.  and, at the same time, i think we badly need more diversity within these circles of tastemakers and gatekeepers (i love the paris review, but, sometimes, it pains me how white it is) (same with FSG) because, for me personally, it's not only the gender thing that gets under my skin but also (and maybe more so) the diversity thing.  we don't just need writers who are of different color; we need writers of color from different backgrounds who tell a wide tapestry of stories; and we need this -- it's a matter of necessity, not of whim or simple desire. 

at the same time, i'm aware that the conversation of diversity is more nuanced than simply pointing at the tastemakers and gatekeepers and saying, you're doing a bad job.  i can't fault the paris review when they're doing their job and getting quality writing in their pages and oftentimes helping launch careers (and obviously my subscription is clear support), just like i can't fault FSG when they're publishing great writing and supporting more "serious" endeavors that other houses might not risk -- but isn't that also the funny thing about loving something?  that it increases your capacity to be disappointed sometimes because you expect more because you know you can expect more, though "disappointed" is a bit of a strong sentiment here.

sometimes, i think it's funny how i've become so attached to certain publications and houses.  do people regularly think along the lines of houses?  but i've always organized my shelves by houses (then by authors), and i credit penguin for this entirely because i love that penguin logo, and it's always been a joy to see that line of penguins neatly in a row on my shelves.

(as an aside, i must admit i've been side-eyeing the pulitzer since 2011.  i wonder what randomness they'll pull this year.)


i went to another event last week, elliot ackerman with phil klay.  will write up a recap this week, in between editing stories, tutoring, and writing cover letters because, oh, i suppose i'm "officially" looking for a full-time job, which basically means i'm coming face-to-face with my sad, sorry lack of qualifications ...

anyway.  have a good week, all!  as always, thanks for reading!

hello monday! (150216)

was laid up with (what i assume was) the flu last week/over the weekend, which means i was bedridden for four days, which means i read a whole lot because there wasn't much else to do when i wasn't sleeping or thinking i was dying ... which is maybe a tad melodramatic, but i'm alone here in new york, and being sick alone is really just pure misery.

(my mum called to check in on me every day and took advantage of the situation to get in her, see, this is why you should move back to california bit to which i replied, no, this is why i need a husband.)

(this is why i'm flying out to california for a week next month.  there's nothing like getting the flu alone to make any grown person want family.)  (and tacos.)

it kinda goes without saying that it was a great reading week:  plowed (and i mean plowed) my way through kim thúy's mãn (random house canada, 2014), jenny offill's dept. of speculation (knopf, 2014), patricia park's re jane (viking, forthcoming 2015), and megan whalen turner's the queen of attolia (harpercollins, 2001), made significant headway into caitlin doughty's smoke gets in your eyes (norton, 2014), and listened to jonathan franzen's the discomfort zone (FSG, 2006).  i loved the characters of the queen of attolia so much that i had to pop in at mcnally jackson yesterday (the first time i left my flat in four days, and what a glorious, freezing day it was) and buy its follow-up, the king of attolia (greenwillow books, 2006).

that was a lot of titles in one paragraph.

sometimes, these posts are easier to write, and, other times, i sit here staring at the blinking cursor on my screen and think, now what?  what is there i want to say?  today is one of those latter days, maybe because it's so fucking cold outside  or because i've still got the remnant lingering congestion and cough from the flu or because i'm back to editing my manuscript which inevitably consumes much of my life.

so links!  let's do links!  i've wanted to do a post of links for a while!

thanks for hanging around, and have a great week!