a cooking thing.

“i’m sure you like your work here. i have no idea what you do. no, please don’t try to explain it. but i feel like i have to tell you, for what it’s worth … feeding people is really freakin’ great. there’s nothing better.” (sourdough, kate, 75)
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two weekends ago, i got a baby tripod and made pasta. i had a craving for ragu, though i don't know quite what brought that on, but i decided i wanted something tomatoey and meaty and comfort-y, and ragu popped into my head. i looked up a few recipes, learned that a ragu and a bolognese are made with similar components but differ in how they're prepared — in a ragu, the meat is braised; in a bolognese, it is not — and, so, on sunday, or two sundays ago, i set about cooking.

at the brooklyn book festival last month, the cookbook panel touched on the question of who a cookbook is written for, if a cookbook can "have it all." can a cookbook be both a beautiful coffee table book and a book an average home cook can (and will want to) cook from? and, spinning off that, is the average home cook the target audience for a cookbook, anyway? and who is an average home cook? can a cookbook truly be both a beautiful work of art and a utilitarian book from which people might be inspired to cook?

(why do i spend such a stupid amount of time thinking about who cookbooks are marketed to and/or written for and/or whether i am in that target group?!? is that self-centered of me?)

in her book, my kitchen year (random house, 2015), which i (disclaimer) have only flipped through in a bookstore but have not read, ruth reichl writes that recipe writing is as much attached to culture as any other kind of writing — as in, the ways in which recipes are written change as culture changes. in her memoir, garlic and sapphires (penguin, 2005), which i have read and enjoyed, she writes that there is a language to food that is strange and requires translation to those who are not familiar with food — like, what does it mean to toss a salad? to sauté? to julienne? what does it mean to render out fat or simmer until liquid is reduced or whip egg whites to stiff peaks? how do you fold flour into batter?

one of the panelists at the festival, cookbook author stacy adimando, explained this, too, that you can't just write, sauté the onions; you have to spell it out — heat a tablespoon of oil in a pan. add onions. stir until translucent. chef sohui kim shared a story of first starting to write recipes for the good fork cookbook, how she laid out all her ingredients and thought it'd be a simple task to get this recipe down, only for her co-writer to come in and be like, uh, no, you can't just cook like you would cook. you have to do everything precisely and measure everything out. what comes intuitively to a chef will likely not come intuitively to someone at home.

at the panel, i learned that clarkson potter has it written into their contracts that all recipes need to be tested in a non-professional kitchen. ina garten watches as her assistant tests all her recipes. there is such a thing as being a good recipe-writer.

this has been one choppy introduction. transitions have not been my friend this week.

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sometimes, maintaining a personal blog feels like an act of stupidity, this thing of sharing and sharing and sharing. you could say this in and of itself is stupidity, to think this but to continue to do it, to find some kind of meaning or value in it while feeling uncomfortable.

then again, maybe, if you feel totally comfortable doing whatever you do, it’s not quite worth pursuing.

does that sound like a contradiction? but it’s true, isn’t it, that it’s that sense of discomfort that edges you out of your comfort zone, out of the familiar, into territory that requires a leap of faith, and we all need to take leaps of faith to get anywhere that counts.

and maybe there are inherent contradictions in all this, too — that i have no qualms using canned tomatoes (always whole, always peeled, never salted) but dislike using packaged broth, even if it's organic and low-sodium, that i hate amazon but can't seem to stop going to whole foods (i really need to find a good butcher counter near me), that i feel so weird putting my face and body out there but do so with more frequency anyway.

part of it is just discomfort with my body, that i don’t like it, i don’t like the size of it, the softness of it. another part is just discomfort with how it feels like an act of vanity because to put your face out there is to have some measure of confidence in it, whether it’s pride or defiance. yet another part is just hesitation because do i want to be seen, do i want to be recognizable, do i want to be identifiable?

is this all just ego?


last week was banned book week, and the fact that people get so terrified of books they want to ban them at all says all we need to know about the power of stories — or, at least, it says all i need to know. i’m sure some might want to argue that, no, they’re not terrified of books, they’re just offended by them or displeased or something something blah blah blah, this book is immoral, that book is hypersexual, that one disses the bible — but i don’t know, at the core of all that offense and outrage and whatever, isn’t there terror? fear of having your beliefs challenged, your worldview shaken up? aversion to risk of changed perspectives and views?

i don’t get that. i don’t get risk aversion. i don’t get beliefs that need to insulate themselves and surround themselves with sameness to exist.

then again, homogeneity of any kind freaks me out a little.


like i said, transitions have not been my friend this week. this whole post is going to be chop, chop, chop. also, i own a stupid number of aprons.

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two things cooking over the years has taught me:

one. it's okay to trust myself. yeah, my technique is shit, and my knife skills are laughable, and i still won't even attempt to cook certain things like fish, but i generally know what i'm doing in a home kitchen. i'm getting better at understanding how to season things. i know what tastes good. it's okay not to be perfect or brilliant or whatever; it's okay to be good enough. so trust yourself.

two. things take time, and things take practice, but you can get better with time and practice. that sounds like such a stupidly obvious thing, but i think it's often easy to forget, to get discouraged, to want to give up when things (whatever "things" are) don't turn out right the first few times around.

take this pasta for example — it's still not great. i still need to work on my rolling (and on rolling thinner), and i still need to work on cutting it into noodles of even width (omg, seriously). the texture is still off, and i still don't have that semolina to APF to yolk to white ratio down. i still don't know how long i'm supposed to cook the damn things. and yet, i can see and feel and taste that this attempt has improved vastly from the first time i made pasta months ago. practice makes better.

it's funny, maybe, because you'd think that's something i'd already have learned after a lifetime of classical music, after a lifetime of writing, but there are certain lessons you keep being reminded of, over and over again.


last week, i read robin sloan’s sophomore novel, sourdough (mcd books, 2017), and i’d loved his debut, mr. penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore (FSG, 2012), and was thus very excited for sourdough. i did enjoy being back sloan’s san francisco, in his take on the tech world, but i can’t say i loved sourdough like i loved penumbra — there was something about it that felt kind of empty because sourdough lacked the vibrancy and vivacity penumbra had. the rollicking fun was gone. sourdough was almost too earnest in its presentation of its world, the artisan food world, too appreciative, maybe, and less poking at (good-naturedly but still).

also, i admit i have difficulties going into a book with a first-person female narrator when the book has been written by a man. maybe that’s unfair prejudice; maybe it’s warranted wariness; but i require convincing in ways that i normally wouldn’t if a man wrote a male voice or, even, if a woman wrote a male voice.

and it’s not like i could tell you, this is what i mean by a convincing female narrative voice, because i don’t think such thing exists. women come in all kinds of voices, just like we come in all shapes and sizes and colors and sexualities and beliefs and worldviews — but maybe that’s not the point, an idea that you can characterize what makes a gendered voice, because the thing is that i find many female characters written by men to be so flat, one-dimensional, and fantastical, like they’re there principally to fulfill the male writer’s fantasy as to how he perceives a woman “should” or “might” be, to satisfy his ego that wants to believe he can convincingly occupy a woman’s perspective.

it’s not like lois, sloan’s first-person female narrator, didn’t feel real or sincere in sloan’s attempt to inhabit her. she didn’t really seem that fleshed out a character to me, though. her story (or her quest) didn’t engage me because she was kind of just there, this sourdough starter fell into her lap, and she somehow ended up in an intriguing alternate farmers market — and my disinterest and kind of lack of enthusiasm for sourdough is just flat-out weird because i love food and i love reading about food and i loved sloan’s penumbra, but my appreciation for sloan’s depiction of the artisan food world and amusement over how he stuck in tartine and alice waters and chez panisse still could not bring me to a point of enthusiasm for sourdough.

in the end, a book must deliver more than satisfactory parts.


on the rolling pasta end, you’d think i’d just invest in a pasta rolling machine thing. i’m not a big fan of kitchen gadgets, though; they take up too much space, cost more than they’re worth, and aren’t quite necessary. i tend to think all you need in a home kitchen gadget-wise are a food processor, a blender, and maybe an immersion blender, and that’s about it. maybe a crockpot if you’re into that kind of thing.

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as far as putting myself out there, though, maybe there's this: that, yes, there is intentionality here because it's important to remember that all these online spaces, whether it's this blog or instagram or twitter or facebook, are all curated spaces. they cannot help but be curated spaces, and curation, honestly, is not inherently right or wrong. it simply is, and we attach whatever moral meaning to it as we please.

and there's intentionality here because it's good to remember that not all bodies look the same. i am thinner than some but larger than others, and i can pick on every single flaw i see in every single one of these images. there are things maybe i shouldn't share; there are angles of me maybe i shouldn't put out there to be seen.

and yet there's a lot of privilege in this, and i recognize it. i am able-bodied. i am physically capable of caring for myself. i am conventionally passable as pretty (or, at least, not ugly). i may be uncomfortable putting myself out there, but i don't necessarily have to be afraid to do so. i can convince myself that my body dysmorphia is just that — dysmorphia, distortions in my head, when the reality of my body allows me more ease in existing in the world than it does others.

sometimes, that makes it difficult for me to talk about my body dysmorphia because it doesn't feel valid.

here’s another non-transition: sometimes, i think one of the stranger things about being a writer is that i simultaneously believe in the power of words and find words almost stupid. the latter particularly kicks in in the aftermaths of tragedies, particularly those caused by gun violence, because, like ryan lizza wrote for the new yorker, responses to gun violence have become parodies, words that are copy-pasted from previous statements then forgotten, no action taken because we’ve gotten so inured to these senseless brutalities.

it's easy to write a statement, post a tweet, record a video saying what a tragedy this shooting was, how egregious and heinous and evil, here are thoughts and prayers and condolences to everyone who has lost someone. it's easy to draft the words. it's easy to make a spectacle of grief, to play the part that is expected of you and pat yourself on the back for doing your due diligence.

the thing is, though, when something is as solvable a problem as gun violence, i don't give a rat's ass about anyone's "thoughts and prayers." thoughts don't solve anything. prayers don't mean anything. condolences are shallow, hollow offerings, especially when they come from the people in power who can do something about this but choose not to.

and how does any of this fit into this post overall, anyway?

i spent my last two sundays ensconced away in my kitchen, cooking and reading and keeping the world at bay, which maybe is a form of escapism but is also a way of caring for myself. being active citizens sometimes requires us to do that because we're in this for the long haul, we can't burn out now, and it's not enough to be sad at the happenings in the world, to tweet outrage every so often, to settle in grief for a few minutes after a news release.

it’s easy to think that we can’t do anything, too, that what contributions we can make are so small as to be inconsequential. it’s easy to think that there isn’t much we can do; we aren’t public figures; we aren’t wealthy; we’re busy enough trying to make rent and pay bills and put food on our tables.

the thing, is, though, it's not about heroism or wealth or fame. it’s about doing what you can when you can if you can. a little bit on its own might be nothing, but a little bit when everyone is doing her/his/their little bit can amount to a whole lot.

so donate money if you can. donate blood if you can. donate supplies and food if you can. donate your time and physical strength if you can. donate your time and skills and experience if you can.

it's not about doing a lot, about doing more than you can. it's about doing something, anything you can because maybe, on its own, your contribution might feel small and inconsequential, but, together, our small, seemingly inconsequential contributions can add up to something big, and this — each of us doing our tiny, little bit — is how we bring about change.

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on instagram, someone asked for the recipe for this pork braised with apples and fennel, so here it is.

peel and smash garlic. peel and slice apples, fennel (just the bulb), and shallots. salt and pepper pork shoulder.

heat oil with smashed garlic in dutch oven on medium heat. when oil is hot (and i mean hot), bring to high heat, and sear the pork on all sides, a few minutes on each side. remove pork from dutch oven; set aside. add shallots to dutch oven; sauté. add apples and fennel to dutch oven; sauté. return pork shoulder to dutch oven. add rosemary, thyme, red pepper flakes.

pour hard apple cider over everything; add some water. bring to a rolling boil. when it's boiling, reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for 1 1/2 - 2 hours. salt to taste. occasionally skim fat from the surface. simmer until liquid has reduced by half.

remove pork shoulder; let cool enough to handle; shred. smash apples/fennel/shallots/garlic in dutch oven using potato masher. returned shredded pork to dutch oven; stir; let heat through.

eat with rice.


i am not a good recipe-writer, but you know? that is okay.

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bookstores!

let me be candid. if i had to rank book-acquisition experiences in order of comfort, ease, and satisfaction, the list would go like this:

  1. the perfect independent bookstore, like pygmalion in berkeley.
  2. a big, bright barnes & noble. i know they’re corporate, but let’s face it — those stores are nice. especially the ones with big couches.
  3. the book aisle at walmart. (it’s next to the potting soil.)
  4. the lending library aboard the u.s.s. west virginia, a nuclear submarine deep beneath the surface of the pacific.
  5. mr. penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore.  (mr. penumbra's 24-hour bookstore, 14)
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penumbra sells used books, and they are in such uniformly excellent condition that they might as well be new. he buys them during the day — you can only sell to the man with his name on the windows — and he must be a tough customer. he doesn’t seem to pay much attention to the bestseller lists. his inventory is eclectic; there’s no evidence of pattern or purpose other than, i suppose, his own personal taste. so, no teenage wizards or vampire police here. that’s a shame, because this is exactly the kind of store that makes you want to buy a book about a teenage wizard. this is the kind of store that makes you want to be a teenage wizard. (12)

robin sloan’s mr. penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore (FSG, 2012) might be the obvious book to turn to for quotes on bookstores, but i loved this book, so whatever, here we are, even if the book itself is not featured at all in this post.

i read penumbra in 2014, so maybe it’s a little stupid for me to try to write about it when i’m two years and a hundred-something books removed from it. i may be hazy on the details, but i still remember the delight i felt when reading penumbra — it’s like this rollicking, tech-savvy, book-loving adventure that takes its characters from san francisco to new york city and back, and it’s filled with laughs and unapologetic geekery, whether in the way sloan writes about coding or type or google.

thinking about a book i read so long ago, though — i don’t know about you, but my memory is pretty shit. i don’t necessarily retain everything (or a lot of things) from the books i read, unless i’m writing things down and/or taking notes, and, given that i’ve been averaging roughly 60-some books a year for the last few years, that’s a lot of books to read and essentially forget.

so why read if i’ll just forget?

when i think about books, i mostly recall how i felt when i read them. i might recall specific scenarios or situations in which i read certain books, or i might recall the experience of reading, the emotions i felt, the reactions i had. like, i might not remember all the details of salman rushdie’s joseph anton (random house, 2012), but i distinctly remembering thinking fondly of (and wishing i had) the literary community that flocked around him and protected him while he was under the fatwa. i might not remember all the details of shin kyung-sook’s please look after mom (vintage contemporaries, 2012), but i’ll never forget crying on the shinkansen, in a japanese mcdonald’s and starbucks, in a hostel in fukuoka because i missed my grandmother, because i saw her in those pages. 

like, i might already be losing some of the details of sarah waters’ tipping the velvet (riverhead, 2000), but i’ll never forget how that book twisted me up inside, that heady rush of falling in love and the pain of want. (good lord, tipping the velvet did a number on my heart.)

and this is how we tie this back in with bookstores — because, sometimes, books come to us at certain moments of our lives, and, sometimes, a lot of the times, bookstores are the treasure troves that give. and here’s a small celebration of them.


(heh, this post comes courtesy of:  (01) i take a lot of photos of bookstores; and (02) i’m almost almost almost done with a complete draft of my book, which means that i haven’t been reading that much these days and haven’t been doing much thinking/writing outside of book stuff, so here are photos to fill the silence.)

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there is no immortality that is not built on friendship and work done with care. all the secrets in the world worth knowing are hiding in plain sight. it takes forty-one seconds to climb a ladder three stories tall. it’s not easy to imagine the year 3012, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. we have new capabilities now — strange powers we’re still getting used to. the mountains are a message from aldrag the wyrm-father. your life must be an open city, with all sorts of ways to wander in.

after that, the book will fade, the way all books fade in your mind. but i hope you will remember this:

a man walking fast down a dark lonely street. quick steps and hard breathing, all wonder and need. a bell above a door and the tinkle it makes. a clerk and a ladder and warm golden light, and then:  the right book exactly, at exactly the right time. (288)

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2014 reading review!

huzzah!  2014!  even though we're 18 days into the new year -- 18 days ain't that bad!  all right, jumping right into it!

the one that was the overall favorite:  everything i never told you, celeste ng (the penguin press, 2014)

how had it begun?  like everything:  with mothers and fathers.  because of lydia’s mother and father, because of her mother’s and father’s mothers and fathers.  because long ago, her mother had gone missing, and her father had brought her home.  because more than anything, her mother had wanted to stand out; because more than anything, her father had wanted to blend in.  because those things had been impossible.  (25)

what an incredible debut.  we start with the death of sixteen-year-old lydia in 1970s ohio, and ng gracefully pulls back the layers of both the aftermath of her death and also the life leading up to her death, answering the questions of what happened, how she died, and why.  ng does a masterful job of diving into lydia and her family, exploring their relationships and dynamics, the ways that family fucks us up but holds onto us at the same time, and it’s wonderfully complex, this novel, a compact story that gets you in the heart and burrows under your skin.

ng also writes about being asian-american without explicitly writing about being asian american, weaving it into her narrative and characterization without calling blaring attention to it.  she writes about the prejudices against asian men, against women in the hard sciences, against interracial marriage and interracial children, and she does it deftly and beautifully and fearlessly, navigating the complicated web of family and its disappointments and secrets and fears, the ways we sometimes try to run away and disown the places we come from, only to find ourselves coming back against our will.  

maybe part of me loved this because it resounded so personally for me.  i read a comment from someone who didn’t like how ng wrote the parents, but the parents were so real and human to me with their burdensome expectations and their disappointments and their narrow perceptions, their inability to see how they were inflicting damage and harm on their children.  and this isn’t to say that parents are the only ones who do wrong because children do, too, because children are also living human beings with expectations and disappointments and narrow perceptions — and i loved this, too, about everything i never told you, that there’s a balance to this narrative, that ng isn’t out to demonize or condemn anyone but is simply telling a story, and it’s a beautiful, heart-breaking story, described pithily by the new york times as “a novel about the burden of being the first of your kind — a burden you do not always survive.”

 

the ones with the “theme:”  on such a full sea, chang-rae lee (riverhead, 2014); california, edan lepucki (little, brown, 2014); station eleven, emily st. john mandel (knopf, 2014)

he was the impetus, yes, the veritable without which, but not the whole story.  one person or thing can never comprise that, no matter ho much one is cherished, no matter how much one is loved.  a tale, like the universe, they ell us, expands ceaselessly each time you examine it, until there’s finally no telling exactly where it begins, or ends, or where it places you now.  (on such a full sea, 61)

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even naïveté could have a purpose.  it was a survival skill, the same one that made a woman forget the pain of childbirth soon after it happened, so that she’d be willing to do it again someday.  the species had to continue, didn’t it?  (california, 107)

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“you were the one i wanted to call,” he said, “when i got the news.”

“but why me?  we haven’t spoken since the last divorce hearing.”

“you know where i’m from,” he said, and she understood what he meant by this.  once we lived on an island in the ocean.  once we took the ferry to go to high school, and at night the sky was brilliant in the absence of all these city lights.  once we paddled canoes to the lighthouse to look at petroglyphs and fished for salmon and walked through deep forests, but all of this was completely unremarkable because everyone else we knew did these things too, and here in these lives we’ve built for ourselves, here in these hard and glittering cities, none of this would seem real if it wasn’t for you.  (station eleven, 207)

okay, yes, “technically,” on such a full sea is considered dystopian and california and station eleven are post-apocalyptic, but, whatever, are we quibbling about genres here?  when i was reading california, i kept thinking about on such a full sea, and, when i was reading station eleven, i thought about on such a full sea and california and how survival really isn’t sufficient, how we’re naturally drawn to community and family, how the world could go to shit and take with it all the comforts and privileges we once knew and how we can live without all that and adapt but we still need other people.

but, then, there’s the other side of it, too:  how the world going to shit brings out the ugliness in people, how the will to survive reinforces the us v. theme mentality, how we need something to believe in and how charismatic cult leaders will apparently always exist and prey on young, virginal women because … because idk, yey, patriarchy?  (-__-)

i liked on such a full sea for its communities, whether on the large scale of the narrative “we” or in smaller, person-to-person depictions, like quig and fan or the girls in the room, and i liked its commentary on privilege and competition and the things we’re willing to sacrifice for privilege.  i liked california for its portrait of a marriage, the secrets we keep from each other, and the compromises we’re willing to make for something better.  i liked station eleven for unspooling the symphony’s theme (taken from star trek), that “survival is insufficient,” because it’s true — we can’t simply sit around and survive; we need to make human connections, live lives of purpose, have some kind of hope that lets us know that life is more than this, it’s more than just us, it has meaning beyond mere existence.

and i liked reading these three books over the course of the year (on such a full sea in january, california in july, station eleven in november) because there was a fun, unintended continuity to it.  

 

the one that haunted me:  drifting house, krys lee (viking, 2012)

another time, gilho came home and found wuseong asleep, curled up on the hardwood floor without a pillow or blanket, and no yo underneath him, and when gilho woke him  up, the boy looked straight at him and said, “everywhere i go, a road,” before falling immediately back to sleep.  the line reminded gilho that he had, finally, lacked the courage to trust the person he had wanted to be; he walked away to recover from vertigo.  when he spoke of the boy’s strangeness to soonah on the phone, she said reasonably (she was always reasonable), “why don’t you find another tenant?”

gilho could only wonder.  in a country where a university degree made you respectable, the boy had dropped out because he wasn’t being taught anything.  he had thespian ambitions; he raised crippled animals for fun.  his idealism couldn’t last.  but what might have happened if gilho had not married and scrambled to provide soonah the life that she and her parents, that everyone, expected, if he had not been so susceptible to her fear or risk, of failure, of others’ eyes, all fears that were his own? (80-1)

drifting house is a compact, intense collection about koreans and kprean-americans and a lot of the struggles that modern koreans/korean-americans face, whether it’s domestic violence or fanatic religion or goose fathers (fathers who send their wives and children to the states while they stay behind in korea and send them money) or the IMF crisis — and i’m aware that issues like domestic violence or fanatic religion aren’t unique to modern koreans/korean-americans, but lee approaches them from the korea/korean-american angle, keeping one foot impressively in korea and another in korean america.

you don’t have to know much about postwar korea to read the stories, but i think the book makes for an interesting launching point into postwar and contemporary korea.  korea’s changed so much and so rapidly since the war, and lee burrows into the impact that’s had on postwar society/culture with quiet intensity.  she isn’t a loud, brash writer; her prose fits with how she speaks and carries herself; and there’s a lot of darkness lurking underneath the surface of her very polished prose.

i can’t wait for her novel to come out.  i hope it’s published soon.  like soon soon.  please?

 

the one that was most impressive:  a silent history, eli horiwitz, matthew derby, kevin moffett (FSG originals, 2014)

my daughter was who she was not because of anything i did or didn’t do but because she was part of me and part of mel.  everything that could’ve been done had already been done.  by the time our kids are born, the fire is already lit.  all we are doing as parents is helping them find the kindling.  (theodore greene, 507)

there are 27 narrators who carry this book.  27 first-person narrators giving their “testimonies.”  and, yes, this was co-authored by (or created by?  I’m not quite sure how it all breaks down) 3 people, but, even so, even if you were to divide 27 first-person narrators by 3 people, that’s still 9 narrators per co-author.  the voices are generally distinct and individual (admittedly, some less so than others, but the book is an overall successful attempt at multiple voices), and, together, these testimonies come together to tell a cohesive, nuanced, forward-moving story, rich with very prescient commentary about how we treat people who are different from us, how we Other them and create these us v. them distinctions like anything in life is so black and white.

 

the one everyone should read:  men explain things to me, rebecca solnit (haymarket books, 2014)

because:

most women fight wars on two fronts, one for whatever the putative topic is and one simply for the right to speak, to have ideas, to be acknowledged to be in possession of facts and truths, to have value, to be a human being.  things have gotten better, but this war won’t end in my lifetime.  i’m still fighting it, for myself certainly, but also for all those younger women who have something to say, in the hope that they will get to say it.  (“men explain things to me,” 10-1)

&

we have far more than eighty-seven thousand rapes in this country every year, but each of them is invariably portrayed as an isolated incident.  we have dots so close they’re splatters melting into a stain, but hardly anyone connects them, or names that stain.  in india they did.  they said that this is a civil rights issue, it’s a human rights issue, it’s everyone’s problem, it’s not isolated, and it’s never going to be acceptable again.  it has to change.  it’s your job to change it, and mine, and ours.  (“the longest war,” 38)

&

the new york times reported it this way:  “as the impact of mr. strauss-kahn’s predicament hit home, others, including some in the news media, began to reveal accounts, long suppressed or anonymous, of what they called mr. strauss-kahn’s previously predatory behavior toward women and his aggressive sexual pursuit of them, from students and journalists to subordinates.”

in other words, he created an atmosphere that was uncomfortable or dangerous for women, which would be one thing if he were working in, say, a small office.  but that a man who controls some part of the fate of the world apparently devoted his energies to generating fear, misery, and injustice around him says something about the shape of our world and the values of the nations and institutions that tolerated his behavior and that of men like him.  (“worlds collide in a luxury suite,” 46-7)

&

and the casual sexism is always there to rein us in, too:  a wall street journal editorial blaming fatherless children on mothers throws out the term “female careerism.”  salon writer amanda marcotte notes, “incidentally, if you google ‘female careerism,’ you get a bunch of links, but if you google ‘male careerism,’ google asks if you really meant ‘male careers’ or even ‘male careers.’  ‘careerism’ — the pathological need to have paid employment — is an affliction that only affects women, apparently.”

then there are all the tabloids patrolling the bodies and private lives of celebrity women and finding constant fault with them for being too fat, too thin, too sexy, not sexy enough, too single, not yet breeding, missing the chance to breed, having bred but failing to nurture adequately — and always assuming that each one’s ambition is not to be a great actress or singer or voice for liberty or adventurer but a wife and mother.  get back in the box, famous ladies.  (the fashion and women’s magazines devote a lot of their space to telling you how to pursue those goals yourself, or how to appreciate your shortcomings in relation to them.)  (“pandora’s box and the volunteer police force,” 118-9)

 

the one that was most beautiful:  the southern reach trilogy, jeff vandermeer (FSG originals, 2014)

there’s a regret in you, a kind of day mark you’ve let become obscured.  the expeditions are never told that people had lived here, worked here, got drunk here, and played music here.  people who lived in mobile homes and bungalows and lighthouses.  better not to think of people living here, of it being empty … and yet now you want someone to remember, to understand what was lost, even if it was little enough.  (acceptance, 90)

if you want to talk about books as objects [of art], then you have to talk about the southern reach trilogy.  or area x.  i think i just titled it the southern reach trilogy because that’s how i think about it … but, anyway, hardcover, softcover, both are beautifully and thoughtfully designed, from the cover design to the illustrations to the layouts — and one thing i love about the paperbacks is how consistent they are.  like, they even illustrated vandermeer’s author photo!

i appreciate well-designed books.  i appreciate well-designed books that also have well-designed layouts even more because it’s a peeve of mine to come upon a beautiful jacket only to open the book and go, what the fuck???   i appreciate well-designed books that have managed to capture the essence of the book and convey some of its personality without being reductive or cliche or obscure.  and i appreciate well-designed books all the more because i can imagine what a difficult task that must be, how much [implicit or explicit] pressure there is on the jacket because it usually is the first impression, that first look to seize a potential reader’s interest.

and i appreciate them even more in instances like this because it was the cover that made me first pick up annihilation.

(i also appreciate social media in this case, too; bravo, FSG’s twitter.)

the paperback covers for annihilation, authority, and acceptance are incredible.  they capture the wildness of area x, conveying the weirdness contained in these books, but they’re also beautiful and alluring and shiny (literally).  there’s an aggressive quality to the covers, too, a boldness conveyed in the lettering, and the way the illustrations wrap around the letters show how the wildness encroaches and takes over  — and, okay, yes, maybe i’m sitting here over-analyzing covers, but, holy crap, these are beautifully designed books, and, no, i’m still not over them.

 

the one that was the non-fiction … something:  without you, there is no us, suki kim (crown, 2014)

was this really conscionable?  awakening my students to what was not in the regime’s program could mean death for them and those they loved.  if they were to wake up and realize that the outside world was in fact not crumbling, that it was their country that was in danger of collapse, and that everything they had been taught about the great leader was bogus, would that make them happier?  how would they live from that point on?  awakening was a luxury available only to those in the free world.  (70)

suki kim spent six months as a writer disguised as a christian disguised as a professor at PUST, pyongyang university of science and technology, and this is the book that recounts her experience there.  i think it’s important (and crucial) to keep in mind that these are her experiences and her observations; this book is a memoir of her time as a professor at PUST; and, as such, it does make for an interesting read.

at the same time, though, i find the book a little shallow, maybe especially when i start thinking about it as a book about north korea.  kim does succeed in “humanizing” (as the word goes) her north korean students, and there is a fair amount of affection there, but, sometimes, it feels too pitying.  she pokes at her colleagues’ faith but does so without any sort of depth, with only the derisive dismissal of someone who doesn’t share that faith and looks down on it.  she references a lover back home in new york, but there’s also nothing more there, almost like she just wants us to know that she has a lover, he’s back home, and, for some reason, that’s something we need to know.

kim’s been criticized for her memoir, for supposedly breaking promises with PUST by writing her book, and she’s written in response to said criticism.  i don’t disagree with the heart of what she’s saying, that there is a need to humanize north koreans, that silence is what is unacceptable, that there is so much wrong going on in north korea that needs to be talked about openly and — i’d even go so far as to say — that there’s a lot of terrible representation of north koreans that’s stereotypical and/or reductive and/or lacking in empathy and understanding.  and i can even understand her suspicion of the evangelical christians who funded the building of PUST and are sending in teachers and professors who could essentially be missionaries, but, to be honest, i think i’d be more convinced of her argument had she fleshed out any criticisms in her memoir.  instead, she makes a few jabs at her believing colleagues, tries to draw parallels between their faith and juche ideology, but, in the end, she doesn’t say much more than that — and this, particularly, frustrated me because there’s so much there to mine, and she starts to head in that direction at one point but drops it.

in the end, i do recommend without you and find it worth a read, but do keep in mind that it’s a memoir and supplement your reading with other books like barbara demick’s incredible nothing to envy or jang jin-sung’s dear leader.

 

the one i enjoyed most:  mr. penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore, robin sloan (FSG, 2012)

you know, i’m really starting to think the whole world is just a patchwork quilt of crazy little cults, all with their own secret spaces, their own records, their own rules.  (253)

&

there is no immortality that is not built on friendship and work done with care.  all the secrets in the world worth knowing are hiding in plain sight.  it takes forty=one seconds to climb a ladder three stories tall.  it’s not easy to imagine the year 3012, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.  we have new capabilities now — strange powers we’re still getting used to.  the mountains are a message from aldrag the wyrm-father.  your life must be an open city, with all sorts of ways to wander in.  (288)

mr. penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore was so much fun.  the narrator (clay) finds work at a mysterious bookstore with mysterious clientele who come in to check out giant tomes written in code, and he gets drawn into a quest when the owner of the bookstore (mr. penumbra) vanishes one day.  and, yes, i’m a really shitty summary writer, so don’t let that put you off — penumbra is well worth the adventure; you’ll laugh; you’ll aww; you’ll tear up; you’ll marvel at the ease with which sloan situates his novel in the world and integrates google almost as a character of its own.

and, if you (for some reason) need more incentive to read penumbra, the cover glows in the dark.

 

the one i didn’t finish:  nobody is ever missing, catherine lacey (FSG originals, 2014)

i rarely drop books.  i don’t like dropping books.  i tried really hard not to drop this, especially because i’d been looking forward to it, but i just could not stand the narrator.  i found her so wholly unsympathetic, and i hated being inside her head.  i also couldn’t get past the prose — lacey tends toward very long, rambly paragraph-sentences, and, while i love my long, rambly paragraph-sentences, there are just too many of them in nobody is ever missing that my writing brain kept growling, edit, for fuck’s sake, EDIT.

 

the one i listened to:  the discomfort zone, jonathan franzen (FSG [hardcover], 2006; highbridge [audio], 2006)

“but kafka’s about your life!” avery said.  “not to take anything away from your admiration of rilke, but i’ll tell you right now, kafka’s a lot more about your life than rilke is.  kafka was like us.  all of these writers, they were human beings trying to make sense of their lives.  but kafka above all!  kafka was afraid of death, he had problems with sex, he had problems with women, he had problems with his job, he had problems with his parents.  and he was writing fiction to try to figure these things out.  that’s what this book is about.  that’s what all of these books are about.  actual living human being trying to make sense of death and the modern world and the mess of their lives.”  (“the foreign language,” 139-40)

audiobooks, i’ve discovered, are perfect for planes.  i can put on my headphones and disappear into a book without the headache that comes from reading on planes in that terrible lighting and through occasional turbulence.  

the discomfort zone was fun to listen to because i’ve read it previously (twice).  the material, therefore, was all familiar to me, and there were no surprises as far as content was concerned, so it was the tone, really, that made it a different experience, especially because franzen narrated it himself.  it felt like a way of “reading” the book as he’d written it to be read, with the emphases in the right places and the proper tone and moods in the right places, and it was fun because it was like being read to, and i enjoy being read to.  being on plane helped, too, because i couldn’t do my usual thing of doing something with my hands (i can’t just watch tv or see movies or talk on the phone; i have to be doing something else at the same time), so i could just put on my headphones and close my eyes and focus on franzen’s narration.

which wasn’t a hard thing to do.  i could listen to franzen read anything, even the phone book.  he has a lovely deep and throaty voice, and he’s one of those authors who reads well (not all authors read well), so i wish he’d narrate more of his work.

 

the one with my favorite passage:  without you, there is no us, suki kim (crown, 2014)

this passage gets me in the heart every time.  i’d even go so far as to say that it predisposed me kindly to the rest of the memoir:

the korean war lasted three years, with millions either dead or separated.  it never really ended but instead paused in the 1953 armistice exactly where it began, with koreas on both sides of the 38th parallel.  historians often refer to it as the “forgotten war,” but no korean considers it forgotten.  theirs is not a culture of forgetting.  the war is everywhere in today’s koreas.

there is, for example, the story of my father’s young female cousins, nursing students aged seventeen and eighteen, who disappeared during the war.  decades later, in the 1970s, their mother, my father’s aunt, received a letter from north korea via japan, the only contact her daughters ever made with her, and from that moment on, she was summoned to the korean central intelligence agency every few months on suspicion of espionage until she finally left south korea for good and died in st. antonio, texas.  the girls were never heard from again.  and there was my uncle, my mother’s brother, who was just seventeen when he was abducted by north korean soldiers at the start of the war, in june 1950.  he was never seen again.  he might or might not have been taken to pyongyang, and it was this suspended state of not knowing that drove my mother’s mother nearly crazy, and my mother, and to some degree me, who inherited their sorrow.

stories such as these abound in south korea, and probably north korea, if its people were allowed to tell them.  separation haunts the affected long after the actual incident.  it is a perpetual act of violation.  you know that the missing are there, just a few hours away, but you cannot see them or write to them or call them.  it could be your mother trapped on the other side of the border.  it could be your lover whom you will long for the rest of your life.  it could be your child whom you cannot get to, although he calls out your name and cries himself to sleep every night.  from seoul, pyongyang looms like a shadow, about 120 miles away, so close but impossible to touch.  decades of such longing sicken a nation.  the loss is remembered, and remember, like an illness, a heartbreak from which there is no healing, and you are left to wonder what happened to the life you were supposed to have together.  for those of us raised by mothers and fathers who experienced such trauma firsthand, it is impossible not to continue this remembering.  (11-2)

 

the one that impacted me as a writer:  lila, marilynne robinson (FSG, 2014)

if you think about a human face, it can be something you don’t want to look at, so sad or so hard or so kind.  it can be something you want to hide, because it pretty well shows where you’ve been and what you can expect.  and anybody at all can see it, but you can’t.  it just floats there in front of you.  it might as well be your soul, for all you can do to protect it.  what isn’t strange, when you think about it.  (82)

sometimes, authors teach you things through their books, and, sometimes, it’s not really anything factual but simply a way to be.  marilynne robinson was one of those authors for me this year, and, if i were to sum it up pithily, i’d put it so:  marilynne robinson taught me about writing with boldness.

over the last year, i rewrote a manuscript of short stories, and i feel like robinson came along at a good time for me.  i’ve been afraid to tackle specific issues in my stories, issues i wanted to write about but was afraid to for various reasons, but there’s something i found very emboldening about robinson’s books.  she writes about faith and doubt and the spaces between, and she writes with generosity and graciousness and tenderness.  and thoughtfulness.  there’s nothing careless about her books, nothing that feels loose or arbitrary, but there’s also an ease and naturalness to her writing, something about her prose that breathes easy — and i keep saying “books” because i read her gilead books all in a row and loved the experience of immersing myself in that world with those people for a few weeks.

lila, though.  LILA.  every time i try to talk about this book, i end up falling silent because my thoughts turn to goo.  lila, to me, at the heart of it, is a love story and not a mushy gushy one and also not one that’s only about two people falling in love but also a woman, in ways, learning to love and to be.  lila spent her life on the road, always ready to run, but then she comes to gilead and meets john ames and tries to leave but finds herself staying — and there’s something so sweet and heart-aching about lila and john ames, how they fit each other but seem to have together so late in life.

there’s more to lila than a love story, but that was my strongest takeaway from it, which is kind of remarkable because love stories and i don’t tend to mesh or hew strongly.  this one, though, stuck with me, maybe because there’s nothing saccharine sweet or stupidly sentimental about it.  it’s a very serious love because both lila and john ames are serious people, not ones to take such a thing as courtship or marriage lightly, but there’s a sweetness there, too, especially against the backdrop of lila’s backstory, which robinson also paints with tender integrity, avoiding melodramatic or overly pitying tones — and i love that about her writing, that she doesn’t give in or give sway to sentimentality or try to manipulate her readers’ emotions — robinson writes with integrity and with boldness, and that is a gift i’m incredibly grateful for.

 

by numbers:

the first book:  the surrendered, chang-rae lee (riverhead, 2010)

i was just going to leave my first, 52nd, and last books here in list form, but this passage from the surrendered is one of my favorites:

“you’ve taken pity on all of us, haven’t you?” he said, tugging her closer.  “i’m talking to you now!  i want you to listen to me now!  before you came this place was no matter or worse than any other orphanage in this damned country.  which was just fine for the kids and the aunties, and even for me.  there’s enough food and a roof and no more killing, and so what else is there to want?  but you’re leaving, and what do we have now?  you know what i found one of your girls doing after your husband announced you were leaving?”

“just let me go —“

“it was mee-sun.  she was at the well pump, drinking water straight from it like she was dying of thirst.  i passed her twice before i noticed she wasn’t stopping.  she was just drinking and drinking, getting her sweater soaked, and i had to pull her off it.  i thought she was going to drown herself.  i asked her what the hell she was doing, and she said she felt funny inside, because you weren’t going to be here anymore.  for some reason she felt like she was hungry again.  she said she used to do it during the war, so she wouldn’t feel so empty inside.”

“what would you have me do?  don’t you think i want to take every one of them?”

“then take them!” he said, grabbing her other wrist.  she resisted him and he pushed her against the shed wall without enough force that for a moment she thought he might hurt her.  and if he did she wouldn’t care.  she wouldn’t fight.  “did you think you could come and go so easily?  is this what happens in that precious brook of yours?  i want to know.  i thought it was about showing mercy to the helpless, to the innocent.  but i think that book of yours is worthless.  in fact, it’s worse than that.  it’s a lie.  it’s changed nothing and never will.”  (429-30)

the 52nd book:  the fall, albert camus (vintage, reissued 1991)

the last book:  you are one of them, elliott holt (the penguin press, 2013)

 

the author of the year:  jonathan franzen

like a wife who had died or a house that had burned, the clarity to think and the power to act were still vivd in his memory.  through a window that gave onto the next work, he could still see the clarity and see the power, just out of reach, beyond the window’s thermal panes.  he could see the desired outcomes, the drowning at sea, the shotgun blast, the plunge from a great height, so near to him still that he refused to believe he’d lost the opportunity to avail himself of their relief.

he wept at the injustice of his sentence.  “for God’s sake, chip,” he said loudly, because he sensed that this might be his last chance to liberate himself before he lost all contact with that clarity and pose rand it was therefore crucial that chip understand exactly what he wanted.  “i’m asking for your help!  you’ve got to get me out of this!  you have to put an end to it!”

even red-eyed, even tear-streaked, chip’s face was full of power and clarity.  here was a son whom he could trust to understand him as he understood himself; and so chip’s answer, when it came, was absolute.  chip’s answer told him that this was where the story ended.  it ended with chip shaking his head, it ended with him saying:  “i can’t, dad.  i can’t.”  (the corrections, 556-7)

franzen’s fun.  he’s complicated, kind of contradictory in ways, incendiary in discussions oftentimes, but fully human in all his contradictions and complexity, and his writing can be polarizing, bringing out strong opinions in people, usually about the likability of his characters or how he seems to loathe them, too, or about the way he writes about women.  he’s also wicked smart and well-informed and prone to oversharing, and he’s got a finger on the pulse of things, and, when i think of him, sometimes, i think of how everyone knows (or “knows”) what to think about him without actually having read him.  and, then, they go into his writing already with opinions about his writing, and that just complicates things more, and sometimes that’s good but other times it’s annoying because, if i have to sit and listen to people complaining about how unlikable his characters are, i might kick something because the whole likability/unlikability thing (in general) is so goddamn overdone and annoying.

i read (or reread) all of his novels this year, though i didn’t do so in order, starting with the corrections then freedom and picking up strong motion and finally the twenty-seventh city.  i also reread the discomfort zone and the essays i liked in farther away, which makes him my author of 2014, if only by the sheer amount of his work i read.

thoughts in semi-stream of conscious jumble:  i liked strong motion a whole lot, loved the way he wrote about cultish religion.  the ending was admittedly a little lukewarm for me but not so much that it put me off the book.  the twenty-seventh city was my least favorite:  the short, clipped sentences drove me a little mad; i couldn’t get behind jammu or singh or their whole conspiratorial takeover of st. louis; and i hated — h a t e d — the ending.  i actually pretty much stopped reading with ten-twenty pages to go, skimming the last few pages because i was so angry at the gratuitous (it felt very gratuitous and out of fucking nowhere) turn of events.  there are some really great essays in farther away, but i still think the collection tapers off at the end (i’m torn about franzen’s book reviews; his essays on other things, like the depressing plight of birds in the mediterranean, are incredible, though).  (also, franzen himself narrates the first two essays in farther away, yey!)  i’m not as annoyed by the first-person “autobiography” in freedom as people tend to be (i found myself more forgiving of it the second time around), and i tend to like his female characters (at least from strong motion on), like denise and renee and connie (i like connie; she deserves better than joey) — in many ways, i find them more compelling and sympathetic, while i’d like to kick the men in the ass.  the corrections, i think, is his funniest book and the one for which i have the most sentimental attachment (it was the first franzen i read).

do i think he’s a perfect writer?  no.  but i think he tries — he tries to write thoughtful books (in this, he succeeds), and he tries to write real, full people (he generally succeeds here, too, at least with his central cast of characters; his side characters tend to suffer), and he tries to place them in real, full worlds (in this, he succeeds; i’m always astounded by how well he knows his world).  and, as an author, he tries to be aware of his privilege as a white male writer, and he tries to support and help out other writers and pushes for women writers.  does he always succeed?  no, but i appreciate and acknowledge that he tries, that he’s aware of his position in the industry and of the clout of his name, but that he’s also aware that the best thing he can do is write the best books he can.  and i appreciate that the dialogue around him is pretty multi-faceted, that he raises strong opinions in people (though i wish more of said strong opinions would be better-informed), that even the sheer amount of attention paid to him points to how male (and white) publishing is.  

anyway.  i’m a fan.  clearly.  and i’m so very excited (and also kind of wary because, erm, fabulism?) for his next novel.  even if the title makes my face go :| … freedom i was okay with, but purity?  :|

 

the publisher of the year:  FSG (specifically FSG originals)

i read a lot from FSG this year (ok, FSG/picador because picador publishes much of [all of?] the paperbacks for FSG).  because i’m a sucker for this kind of thing, i actually tallied it up a few weeks ago, and i think (because idk where the paper went) it broke down into something like 18 of 61 books from FSG.  (knopf was second with 11.)

but we’re specifically talking about FSG originals here.

FSG originals describes itself as being “driven by voices that insist on being heard, stories that demand to be told, writers who are compelled to show us something new.  they defy categorization and expectation.  they are, in a word, original.”  and, considering that FSG originals has brought us titles like the silent history and area x, i’d consider that an apt description.  

it’s been fun to dive into the titles published through FSG originals.  i’ve had a mixed bag of reactions to the titles i’ve read thus far, but i find the books to be thoughtfully designed and presented, and i appreciate a [traditional] publisher trying different ways of publishing work that might be sidelined for being “different” or “weird” or “unconventional.”   FSG originals also just feels like a natural offshoot of FSG, hewing to the same qualities (good storytelling, strong writing, unique voices), so it doesn’t feel contrived, like something trying to be something else — so, all in all, i’m excited to see what new things they come out with this year and in the years to come!

 

2015

the ones i’m taking into 2015:

  1. alex ross, the rest is noise
  2. marisha pessl, special topics in calamity physics

the ones i’m looking forward to in 2015:

  1. kazuo ishiguro, the buried giant
  2. rachel kushner, the strange case of rachel k
  3. meghan daum (ed.):  selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed
  4. jonathan galassi, muse
  5. shin kyung-sook, the girl who wrote loneliness
  6. jonathan franzen, purity (!!!)

goals for 2015:

  1. read 75 books
  2. read/finish one book in korean every month
  3. blog consistently.

august reads!

okay, i read a lot in august, so i will keep these as brief as possible …!

thirty-two.  cover, peter mendelsund.

(we are all, in fact, not that which we hope to be, but rather that which we actually do.)

SIGH.  this book is soooo beautiful.  i mean, it’s a collection of covers mendelsund’s designed over the last nine years, and i was pretty much salivating as i made my way through this, poring over the pages carefully and reading everything thoughtfully.  it was a wonderful experience, and i’m glad to have this on my shelves.

thirty-three.  without you, there is no us, suki kim.

was this really conscionable?  awakening my students to what was not in the regime’s program could mean death for them and those they loved.  if they were to wake up and realize that the outside world was in fact not crumbling, that it was their country that was in danger of collapse, and that everything they had been taught about the great leader was bogus, would that make them happier?  how would they live from that point on?  awakening was a luxury available only to those in the free world.  (70)

this book fucking broke my heart.

there’s actually a lot i want to say about this book, so i’m just going to leave this here and come back to it later.  i’m planning to reread it again soon, so i will come back to it.

(this is being published by random house on october 14, 2014, and i highly, highly recommend it.)

thirty-four.  the birth of korean cool, euny hong.

“i still don’t think korean food is fine dining,” he [hooni kim] said, which made me raise my eyebrows.  “the best food in france is cooked by the three-star michelin chefs.”  by contrast, “i think the best food in korea is cooked by the mothers and grandmothers.  there is a history of restaurants in certain countries.  korea doesn’t have that.  korean dining food history is jumak — home-cooking, casual street food, market food.”
[…]
“looking, hearing is one thing.  tasting, touching is another.  smelling and tasting is the heart and soul of what korea is.  as much as pop culture wants to globalize, food is the best way for koreans to share their soul and culture.”  (88-9)

i liked this book, and i didn’t.  it was informative in certain ways (i give hong massive props for explaining han), but it was also pretty shallow — i wanted hong to go deeper and provide more analysis (i suppose).  i did deeply appreciate her insight into how heavily the korean government is invested in its culture as an export product, though, and hong also did a great job at providing context and historical background throughout the book.  she also has this wonderful dry, sarcastic humor that made me laugh out loud from time-to-time, too.

in the end, though, i have to admit that i wasn’t convinced of hong’s argument for korean “cool.”  maybe i’ll come back to this, maybe i won’t — we’ll see.

(the above quote made me smile.  it reminds me of a brief post i wrote earlier this year about the korean way of eating, which i think is unique and wonderful and encompasses so much of korean culture.  i absolutely love the korean way of eating.)

thirty-five.  colorless tsukuru tazaki and his years of pilgrimage, haruki murakami.

and in that moment, he was finally able to accept it all.  in the deepest recesses of his soul, tsukuru tazaki understood.  one heart is not connected to another through harmony alone.  they are, instead, linked deeply through their wounds.  pain linked to pain, fragility to fragility.  there is no silence without a cry of grief, no forgiveness without bloodshed, no acceptance without a passage through acute loss.  that is what lies at the root of true harmony.  (322)

this is the most grounded, solid, earthly novel written by murakami, i thought as i read colorless tsukuru tazaki.  i kept waiting for the surreal elements to come heavily into play, but they didn’t, not in a very prominent way at least, and i have to admit — i loved how solid this novel felt.

at the same time, though, tsukuru tazaki is still a very murakami novel.  tsukuru himself is very much a murakami main character, and he’s stuck in that place of isolation and confusion that causes him to depart on a journey to seek answers and discovery, like most murakami main characters.  there’s something very bittersweet about tsukuru’s discovery, though, and the ending felt very open but appropriately so — i think that, if murakami had gone about trying to give us hard closure, it would have felt forced and rather self-gratifying.

i enjoyed this a lot, more than i thought i would to be honest, although i had no idea what to expect as i went into this.  i didn’t even read the excerpt that was published pre-publication or any blurbs about it, and i enjoyed going in totally blind.  i’ve read a few comments elsewhere about colorless tsukuru tazaki being a good introduction to murakami, and i would agree with that.

thirty-six.  mr. penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore, robin sloan.

kat gushes about google’s projects, all revealed to her now.  they are making a 3-D web browser.  they are making a car that drives itself.  they are making a sushi search engine — here she pokes a chopstick down at our dinner — to help people find fish that is sustainable and mercury-free.  they are building a time machine.  they are developing a form of renewable energy that runs on hubris.  (209)

this was SO much fun to read.  the narrator’s voice is truly unique, and i love how sloan drew in “real life” things like google and integrated them fully into his world.  it’s a fun, amusing adventure tale that integrates technology in a very natural way, and you meet interesting characters along the way — and i don’t know what else to say!  it was tons of fun, and i just had a really good time reading it, which doesn’t actually happen very often.  like, i enjoy reading (obviously), but reading mr. penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore was pure fun.  there’s no other way for me to put it.

also, the cover glows in the dark, and the book is beautifully designed (great font), so everything about this book is pure win.

thirty-seven.  ajax penumbra 1969, robin sloan.

“the measure of a bookstore is not its receipts, but its friends,” he says, “and here, we are rich indeed.”  penumbra sees corvina clench his jaw just slightly; he gets the sense that mo’s clerk wishes they had some receipts, too.  (22)

read this immediately upon finishing mr. penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore and thought it to be a lovely companion piece.  (:

thirty-eight.  us v. apple, judge denise cote.

ok, yes, i know this isn’t actually a book, but it’s 160 fucking pages, and i read the whole damn thing, so this counts — IT COUNTS.

objectively, this is a well-written brief (and i never think attorneys are good writers).  it’s cohesively laid out, and judge cote does a great job at presenting the facts in the appropriate slant (as we are taught in legal writing).  she even lays out the legal standard step-by-step, and it’s all very clearly written, so i give her credit for that.  and it was more fun than i thought it would be because judge cote definitely has a flair for the melodramatic, which i found hilarious.  she should write legal thrillers.  and publish them with amazon.

that said, i’m not really going to write much else about this, other than it read very much like a forgone conclusion.

thirty-nine.  men explain things to me, rebecca solnit.

we have an abundance of rape and violence against women in this country and on this earth, though it’s almost never treated as a civil rights or human rights issue, or a crisis, or even a pattern.  violence doesn’t have a race, a class, a religion, or a nationality, but it does have a gender.  (“the longest war,” 21)

read this on the plane back to new york, felt myself sick to my stomach because this is the current state of the world, where there is so much violence against woman that is written off and diminished and, via indifference or silence or willful ignorance, condoned.  this book of essays isn’t all about violence against women, but it is about women.  and it’s a great, necessary collection — slim but bursting with truth, both horrifying and hopeful.  recommended.

forty.  never let me go, kazuo ishiguro.

“how could i have tried?” ruth’s voice was hardly audible.  “it’s just something i once dreamt about.  that’s all.”  (226)

this is one of those reads where i just want to note that i’ve read never let me go again but refrain from commentary.

(also the covers for the buried giant are out, and … sigh.  i’m not keen on either the US or the UK covers.  though that in no way diminishes my excitement for it.) 

forty-one.  jane eyre, charlotte brontë.

“i don’t think, sir, you have a right to command me, merely because you are older than i, or because you have seen more of the world than i have — your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience.”  (230)

read this mostly on my iPhone because, over the last few months, jane eyre has been my go-to omg-when-is-the-bloody-G-train-coming book.  i enjoyed the slow-burn read, though, and i’ve read jane eyre enough times that i could step away from it for days (or even weeks) and pick it up without having to re-situate myself.

jane eyre is that book from my childhood that made me fall in love with literature, so i will always hold it close to my heart.

forty-two.  rebecca, daphne du maurier.

it seemed incredible to me now that i had never understood.  i wondered how many people there were in the world who suffered, and continued to suffer, because they could not break out from their own web of shyness and reserve, and in their blindness and folly built up a great distorted wall in front of them that hid the truth.  this was what i had done.  i had built up false pictures in my mind and sat before them.  i had never had the courage to demand the truth.  (263)

i finished jane eyre on my flight to nyc and decided that i had to read rebecca again because, you know, one gothic novel about a young girl and an older man naturally makes you want to read another gothic novel about a young girl and an older man.

du maurier does such an exquisite job of getting inside the narrator’s head.  i laughed out loud at quite a few parts over how her imagination runs away with her, as she gets lost in these fantasies and imagined scenarios, and they’re funny because they’re so dramatic and so symptomatic of the young, lonely, isolated mind.  i love the world du maurier creates, too, the enchantment that is manderley with its specter of rebecca hanging over everything — it’s so rich and lush and almost otherworldly, set apart on its corner on the coast.

it was interesting rereading this because i knew what would happen.  i knew the truth about rebecca, and i knew to anticipate certain scenes, so it colored the reading experience in a different way, which i found enjoyable.  that’s one of the fun things about rereading books, isn’t it — going back to it and seeing how you’ve changed and, consequently, how the book has changed, too, because the best books are those that reflect us back to us after all, aren’t they?

currently reading acceptance — taking my time with it because it’s the last book in the southern reach trilogy.  it is SO GOOD, though, and i’m loving it and looking forward to reading the whole trilogy again to see what i’ve missed.  also reading sweetness #9 and your face in mine and just picked up a tale for the time being, green girl, and a short history of women.

and mcewan’s new novel comes out on tuesday.

ah, there’s so much to read!!